It’s me or you…. Sex (Virginia on Ice)

The following post comes from a reader.  It highlights how often when we are working on self improvement “romantic” relationship and subsequently sex are put on the back burner.  This reader spoke with a Sex therapist about the struggle of  abstinence working on some personal changes.  I appreciate the reader for allowing me to share their experiences. 
Check the post out and leave your comments. 

Last night I almost did it. Yep, exactly what you think “it” is only nastier. Hot, steamy, ass smacking, lip locking, cheese omelet in the morning making fun.

Well not exactly. You see I have been on a quest for self growth and personal growth. During this trek I have had little to no sex and no sex for me equals a busy mind and a cramped hand. Blah, blah, blah…
So back to last night, boy I was ready. Phone in hand, text typed and ready to send. I was prepared to invite him over to a meeting. All he needed to bring was his thinking cap. I would joyfully provide the rest. Playlist ready. Fresh sheets. And little ole me freshly cleaned feeling light and limber. Ready for tons of dictation. So I sat eager and nervous all at the same time. My body told me I needed this. Hell my friends even said, I need some good dick and a nap. And here comes good old logic creeping in to remind me why I haven’t done it. DAMN
I have a Sistar De who is a sex therapist AskASexTherapist@gmail.com. https://www.facebook.com/pages/Ask-A-Sex-Therapist/444222249020042
So I used her expertise help with my problem. Here is our correspondence. Please email her if you have any questions. She is amazing.
      Me to AskASexTherapist:

I think I broke my Virginia. I was once a very active woman and now I'm not. It had been months since i had had any kind of penetration. But I do masturbate quite frequently. I recently had intercourse and I was unable to climax. I would be close and thennnnn....Nothing! No matter how much rubbing, touching and or additional stimuli I couldn't. Could it be a mental issue or is it just me?

Sincerely,

No happy endings for Virginia

AskASexTherapist to Me:

First of all, thanks for submitting your question. I'll give a short answer on YouTube but wanted to respond to you in written form as well.

The vagina is very resilient, so no worries, you didn't break it. Because you're able to orgasm with self-stimulation, that shows there are no problems with physical function. Have you ever been able to climax through penetration? Or was it always a combination of external clitoral stimulation and penetration?

Also, having an orgasm with a partner can, at times, require a lot of trust. Sometimes we can be in our heads so much that we forget to enjoy the sensations we're experiencing. If we're focusing so much on climaxing, it becomes an obstacle for our bodies and minds.

If you'd like more info or would like to discuss it further, just let me know!

Me to AskASexTherapist:

Thanks for answering. Yes, I have able to climax through penetration only. I think it may have been the guy and my mind. I have found that since treat people and my body differently my reactions to things have changed. I know casual sex is not what I want to i feel that by having it I couldn't climax because my mind wouldn't make the connection. But it could have just been him.

Thanks again,

AskASexTherapist to Me:

And there it is.

You've been doing a lot of work to give yourself your best and when you experience something that doesn't measure up to your new standards, it's not fulfilling. True, he could've been a bad lay, but you've also been filling your mind, body, and spirit with the best you can provide. On some level, it could be that your body and spirit have a taste for something other than what was offered

SO I sat horny as a teenage boy with this information. As bad as I want to I won’t have sex. Unless there is a true connection, a mental and physical connection I’m good.. Any man can play with your body but I want mind sex. The kind that makes you want to nurture that person. Find his likes and dislikes and help further his dreams. The type of loving that can do more with just words than the hands ever could. I’m not say in giving up on the physical. Hell NOO! I love it, it is need but until I can have both my Virginia will be on ice.

Graduation

Graduation is the story of a blooming relationship between a mature woman and a maturing young man who happens into her bookstore.  As she helps him transition from college to career he helps her transition from behind the counter to between the sheets.

Below I answer questions for readers
****I did not mention names for a reason.  If you haven’t read it yet check it out.  If you have read it read it again with this new information.

1. I feel the Bookstore is a main character in the story, is that true?
Yes it is, I grew up in a book store.  I met many people and learned many things there.  Bookstores are like train/bus station or airports to me.  People are coming there to find new destinations; their modes of transportation are the books.  Reading is cheapest, most exciting and convenient way of traveling.
 

2. Why did you list the books he purchased in the story?

My hope was that people would relate to them if they had read them and read them if they had not.  I try to offer the readers ways to continue the story long after they have read it.  When you know what’s in those books you get a better understanding of the character and what they were thinking or doing.  You also can get more tangible perspectives on the deeper elements of sexuality.  I also want to promote an Afrikan perspective to people so that we will not feel that we have to squeeze ourselves into boxes or modes of operating that don’t fit.  As we study other cultures we can find new things that work better for us.

3. Do you feel these books are essential for Black spirituality and sexuality?

Absolutely!!!! Unfortunately we are not taught the traditional practices and teaching around sexuality and spirituality.  This can cause us to seek fulfillment in things that will never be able to satiate us without the more intimate connections and holistic approaches.  I have read all of them more than once in my adolescence and again as I matured.  Each time I read them I have gained a deeper understanding. That’s the things with books that are well written they offer you a new journey each time.  It is like “sight seeing” when you travel, you only really notice what you are looking for at the moment. My hope is after reading these or considering things the reader will find something new in these stories as well.

4. I love how in Graduation you created a positive young Black man with this character. Do you feel that we are lacking characters like him in today’s books?

I am surrounded by positive black men, young and old.  I have been all of my life.  The majority of black men are doing good things.  They are often over shadowed by negative media representations.  I write from my truth so this character was a reflection of the men I have met, grown up with, been in relationships and come across in some form in my lifetime.  Yes I think we are lacking characters like him in books but not in reality.  It is my responsibility to highlight those black men who are often overlooked but who represent the majority of black men.
 

5. Will we see more of these characters in the future? I would love to see what the future hold for them.

Only time will tell J  But if there is a large demand for them I will definitely work to meet that demand.  There are so many wonderful stories about black love to tell it is very likely it can be continued.
 

At the end of the chapter, what language was she speaking and what did she say?

She is speaking an ancient pre Kemetic language that causes the “Atum” to awaken within him.  It is a practice sparking the energy of something to activate it. They are more intonation that “words” as we think of today.  It is the vibration of them that makes them work.   She is basically saying “get hard/arise”
 

Do you look at the woman as being a “cougar”?

That’s funny, and no.  You have to look at the perspective of things.  This is not a woman who sought him out or even initiated the relationship.  She was literally minding her own business when the young man graced her door step.  He obliviously had been attracted to her for years, where as, she was not interested in him initially.  His growth over the years and even his willingness to learn and grow past his comfort zone caused her to notice him.  She is a responsible woman like most of us are and would only take him as far as he needed to go. 
 

What was here relationship with the old man?  Was he only mentoring the young man to get next to her?

They had known and worked with each other for many years.  The had mutual love and respect for one another.  He had pursued her for years but she was not interested because he was known around turn for being with multiple women.  He was also very wealthy and active in the community so everyone paid attention to what he was doing, she prefers discretion. Although it may have helped the young man get him foot in the door, the older man genuinely is trying to help him and teach him the ropes.

 

 

 

"UIB interviews author, Milele, about "Confessions of a Faithful Woman."

Please take a moment (bout 30 min) to listen to the open interview about love, sex, relationships, spirit, oppression and so much more. As I prepare the second book in the "Confessions..." series I would like for you to get to know me better.

Feel free to leave your comments or questions or opinion I LOVE hearing from each of you.

As always I appreciate everyone who takes their time out.

Share with me...